The Dreams You dare To Dream
by Lockhart
Summary: Gamma's death forces Carter to lay the ghosts of his troubled and tragic past


The Dreams You Dare To Dream  
  
Prologue  
  
Spoilers: All up to S9 episode 19 "Things Change"  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own ER and never will, it's all just wishful thinking  
  
Summary: Gamma's death forces Carter to lay the ghosts of his troubled and tragic past.   
  
Let it rain  
  
Let it flood these streets and wash me away  
  
To where it makes no difference who I am  
  
Or what the future holds  
  
When I don't know  
  
(Tracy Chapman, Let It Rain)  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
The early morning sky was covered in a blanket of thick, grey fog, a dark foreboding mist that matched John Carter's mood at that moment in time. A puff of light smoke travelled through the air and vanished in a handful of seconds, as a cigarette was thrown to the ground and a foot descended over the item, crushing it with such violent tendancies. It brought him no pleasure though. The pain still remained. Stifling a yawn, he crouched down upon the grass and ran his fingers through the moist strands of grass, drenched in the morning dew. He had followed a similiar routine every day for the last week. Smoked, thought, watched the sunrise. Except the sun hadn't shone in days now and every morning the weather seemed to grow bleaker. He couldn't remember the last time he had experienced a proper night's sleep. Nothing in the book seemed to work, a warm bath, counting sheep..... The last time he had experienced such isomnia was after Lucy died. After the stabbing. In fact this happened whenever a death so close to the doctor took place.   
  
"Dr Carter" a voice startled the man as he spun around to face the house-maid. "Could you not sleep again?" she narrowed her eyes in concern, stopping a few footsteps away from the doctor.  
  
John merely shook his head in response, resting his head upon his hand as a few droplets of rain descended from the grey skies, washing over his cheeks and lips. He closed his eyes tightly as he felt the water weigh heavily upon his eyelids, as he heard his young med-student's screams once more. He could feel the pain of the knife, the silver blade edging it's way into his back as the pain shot up through his spine.   
  
"Would you like some breakfast?" her voice broke his pattern of thoughts once more.  
  
"No thank you" he shook his head and stood up, placing a hand on his aching back.  
  
"You really should eat something Dr Carter, you have a long day ahead of you"  
  
"Maybe some toast then" John gave her a half-hearted smile, walking barefoot across the damp grass until he came across the rose bush he and Gamma had planted in honour of his grandfather. God, it was Gamma's funeral today.   
  
The rain seemed to grow heavier at that instant in time, drenching the man's hair and thin gown. Rain could be colder than ice when it wanted to be. And it chose that moment to do so. It all seemed so surreal, as if it were all just a figment of his imagination. Gamma couldn't be dead, it was....well it was Gamma. The same woman who wouldn't even let pneumonia stop her from making an appearance at her charity dinners. When did life become so complicated? It used to all be so easy. Save some lives, go home, wait for the next day to arrive.... That was before he met Abby though, she had changed his life. He couldn't remember a time when he didn't love her, when she's wasn't a major part of his life. He loved and hated her for that. And he could never imagine not loving her in the future. He hadn't meant for her to choose between him and Eric, it was neither fair nor realistic. It was just that he needed proof, proof that her feelings for him were genuine. That their relationship hadn't turned into that of her previous one with Luka, a matter of conveniance rather than love. He knew she felt inclined to help Eric through his illness, hell it was her brother, siblings were meant to look out for each other. And John knew that given half the chance he would turn back the hands of time and lend support to Bobby. Bobby.....Bobby had been a wonderful brother. Some mornings he would stand among the willow trees of his grandmother's houe and recall the last summer they spent together as though it were yesterday. The scene was still fresh and clear in his mind. Two brothers playing soldiers amongst the freshly cut grass and sunshine yellow daisies that shone like miniature bars of gold. Those happy, carefree days where he had been part of a family. A proper family.  
  
"The rain is getting heavier Dr Carter, perhaps you should come inside" the maid motioned her hand towards the house as a rumble of thunder growled menacingly in the distance.  
  
"Perhaps you're right" John nodded, shivering slightly as he realised his gown was drenched through and through from the bitter cold rain. With one last glance at the grey skies, he spun round and followed the woman cautiously into the house. He needed to let go of the past.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Author's Notes: A little short but it's the introduction to following events. Let me know what you think though and if you wish me to continue or not, feedback is very much appreciated!! Thanks for reading folks!! 


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